CHAPTER 01 reflection
Darwaze Par
At the Door
ROMANIZED ORIGINAL / ENGLISH TRANSCREATION
Enter the reading roomA QUIET SPACE FOR WORDS
THE READING ROOM
Read Darwaze Par
Manuscript transcription · pending final author proofreading
Original · Romanized Hindustani
THE ORIGINAL / ROMANIZED HINDUSTANI
Darwaze Par
Kuch baatein tere dar tak laaya tha,
par dastak nahi di.
Ab har baat kehna
zaroori nahi lagta.
Kabhi teri khamoshi ko
main majboori samajhta tha.
Teri doori ko darr.
Teri muskurahat ko umeed.
Ab samajh aaya
main har khaali jagah mein
apni marzi ka matlab bhar raha tha.
Tu chup thi.
Bas chup thi.
Aur main tha
jo us khamoshi se
poori kahaani likhta raha.
Bahut waqt tak
ek band darwaze ke saamne khada raha,
sirf isliye
kyunki ek baar
tumne khud khola tha.
Kitna bewaqoof tha.
Darwaza band ho jaaye
toh yaad rakhna chahiye
andar wala
jaag bhi raha ho sakta hai.
Bas kholna nahi chahta.
Ab na koi sawaal hai.
Na koi shikwa.
Na yeh jaanne ki khwahish
ki tumne kya socha tha.
Sach kahun,
ab farq bhi nahi padta.
Jo umeed thi,
tere dar par chhod di.
Jo intezar tha,
uske paas.
Jo sapne the,
unhe bhi wahi rakh diya.
Tum rakhna chaho, rakh lena.
Phekna chaho, phek dena.
Ab woh mere nahi.
Mohabbat?
Haan.
Shayad kuch bachi hai.
Par har bachi hui cheez
bachane layak nahi hoti.
Kabhi saamne mili
toh main nazar nahi churaunga.
Na rukunga.
Na poochunga,
"kaisi ho?"
Kuch sawaal
sirf isliye nahi poochne chahiye
kyunki kabhi
unka jawab jaanne ki jaan nikalti thi.
Tum guzarna.
Main guzar jaunga.
Bas itna hi.
Tum meri kahaani ka
sabse khoobsurat hissa nahi thi.
Bas woh hissa thi
jise khatam karne mein
mujhe sabse zyada waqt laga.
Aur ab
main tumhe bhoolne ki koshish bhi nahi karta.
Bhoolna bhi toh
ek tarah se
tumhare baare mein sochna hai.
Main bas tumhe
apne andar se hata raha hoon
dheere-dheere,
bina gusse ke,
bina dua ke.
Us din
main tumhare dar par
apna dil lene nahi aaya tha.
Main sirf dekhne aaya tha
ki jis cheez ko main
itne arse se zinda samajh raha tha,
uski laash
kab ki thandi ho chuki thi.
Aur sabse buri baat?
Darwaze par
sirf meri laash padi thi.
Tum toh
kab ki andar ja chuki thi.
English · Transcreation
ENGLISH TRANSCREATION
At the Door
I brought a few words
as far as your door,
but I never knocked.
Not everything
needs to be said anymore.
I used to take your silence
for helplessness.
Your distance, for fear.
Your smile, for hope.
Now I know:
I was filling every empty space
with meanings of my own.
You were silent.
Only silent.
And I was the one
who kept turning that silence
into an entire story.
For so long
I stood before a closed door,
for no other reason
than that once,
you had opened it yourself.
What a fool I was.
When a door closes,
one should remember:
the person inside
may still be awake.
They simply
do not want to open it.
There are no questions now.
No grievances.
No wish to know
what you had been thinking.
Truthfully,
it no longer matters.
Whatever hope was left,
I left at your door.
The waiting,
beside it.
The dreams,
I left them there too.
Keep them, if you want.
Throw them away, if you want.
They are no longer mine.
Love?
Yes.
Perhaps some of it remains.
But not everything
that survives
deserves to be saved.
If we meet someday,
I will not look away.
I will not stop.
I will not ask,
"How are you?"
Some questions
are better left unasked,
even if once
you were dying
for the answer.
You will pass by.
So will I.
That is all.
You were not
the most beautiful part
of my story.
Only the part
that took me longest
to bring to an end.
And now,
I do not even try
to forget you.
Because forgetting, too,
is another way
of thinking of you.
I am only removing you
from somewhere inside me,
slowly,
without anger,
without prayer.
That day,
I did not come to your door
to ask for my heart back.
I only came to see
whether the thing
I had believed alive
for all this time
had already been dead
long enough
to grow cold.
And the worst part?
At the door,
only my body
remained.
You had gone inside
long ago.
A moment for the words to stay.
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